I’m going to skip the introductory blog post for now.  Real quick, I’m 23; I have lupus; I’ve been in the hospital a lot.

My boyfriend (25) was diagnosed with thyroid cancer two weeks ago and is in the hospital now after surgery to remove his thyroid.  He has been with me through the worst of times, through IV infiltrations, mediports, seizures, methotrexate injections, chemotherapy, you name it and he has been the most wonderful and supportive man I could ever have even dreamed.  And now he is sick, and I have to tell you, it’s way worse on this side of the caretaker/patient relationship.  I’d be the patient almost any day.

When they brought out his IV, I had a mini freak-out inside.  It just gave me flashbacks of the months worth of hospital visits, the hell he had helped me endure and that I did not want him to go through.  As they placed the IV, he squeezed my hand and I looked at him, both of us scared, and I tried not to get teary eyed; I tried to be strong, but as I saw the tears well up in his eyes, I couldn’t help it.  I love him so much; it’s heart-wrenching to watch him in so much pain.  He’s so much braver than I am, as a caretaker, and after this experience I appreciate him even more than I did before.  I hope that I can help him as much as he has helped me.

I had my chemotherapy infusion shortly after he was wheeled into the ER.  I made him a card, I tried not to dwell, and afterward, I tried to suck it up, pretend it didn’t happen and slap on that happy face.  It worked fine until now.  Grapefruit knees, cankles, and some nasty nausea and there is no way I will sleep tonight.  I’m too afraid he will wake up and feel alone if I’m asleep.  I hope this round of chemo will skip over some over the hellish side-effects this time, for his sake and mine.

As horrible as this situation is, I am glad that I get to help him; I’m glad that I can be as supportive for him as he is for me. I get so much from him and everyone all of the time; it’s nice to be able to give for once.

Has anyone been in a similar situation where giving made you feel useful, feel happy that you can help someone after being helped for so long?